Another reason to stay home.
Wednesday February 1, 2006 | by Dalia Griffith | 3 comments
From the waist up, my experience with maternity clothes has been fine. Comfortable, even. Granted my upper-half wardrobe consists of four t-shirts and a fleece thingee, but who cares? I work from home, so even a regular shower qualifies as a triumph.
But then there are the pants. Which, I’ve come to believe, deserve a circle of hell all to themselves. They prey on our weaknesses, and pretend to be the solution to our problems. Regular pants don’t fit anymore? Put us on, they say, we’re stretchy, and forgiving, and we’ll grow with you as the baby grows, and even accommodate for all those rice krispy treats and midnight bowls of cocoa bits.
So, naturally, we give in. Stuff our closets with as many maternity pants as our bank accounts can afford. Then, once the receipts have long been trashed, and our bellies have expanded well beyond the capabilities of regular sizes, the truth rears its beastly head: these pants simply don’t stay put. They fall down. CONSTANTLY.
If I walk, they descend slowly until my dangling stomach starts overpowering the waistline of both my pants and undies, and forcing itself into plain view of whomever is unfortunate enough to be around. And should I dare to bend over or squat, they’re down around my hips by the time I stand up. So the tragic result is a major pants-adjustment every other second (literally), and it’s really starting to piss me off. I can’t help but wonder if this scenario is merely a byproduct of elasticized apparel, or if the universe is singling me out for some reason?
And I bet they’re not cheap, either. I think manufactured clothing, whether maternity or not, is one big conspiracy. I’ll file that away, next to my other 1,200 conspiracy theories. Damn the man. :P
May I recommend suspenders? And if possible, Mork-style suspenders.
Kelli, I agree about the conspiracy theory. The other day, I was on Gap.com, browsing through clothes I’ll likely never fit into again, and I noticed they were promoting their new (at least new to me) “curvy fit” jeans, presumably designed for those of us not shaped like a head on a stick. But the chick modeling these jeans could have sliced cheese with her hip bones! If that doesn’t reek of alterior motives, I don’t know what does.
Paul, thanks for the suggestion. Although, I’m not so sure I want to trade in my last shreds of diginity for a practical solution. Sounds strange coming from someone who regularly hikes up her pants in public, I know, but at least I look relatively normal once said pants are in place. At least for the few seconds until they need readjusting.