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Spawn of Griffith | Another reason to stay home.

Another reason to stay home.

Wednesday February 1, 2006 | by Dalia Griffith | 0 comments

From the waist up, my experience with maternity clothes has been fine. Comfortable, even. Granted my upper-half wardrobe consists of four t-shirts and a fleece thingee, but who cares? I work from home, so even a regular shower qualifies as a triumph.

But then there are the pants. Which, I’ve come to believe, deserve a circle of hell all to themselves. They prey on our weaknesses, and pretend to be the solution to our problems. Regular pants don’t fit anymore? Put us on, they say, we’re stretchy, and forgiving, and we’ll grow with you as the baby grows, and even accommodate for all those rice krispy treats and midnight bowls of cocoa bits.

So, naturally, we give in. Stuff our closets with as many maternity pants as our bank accounts can afford. Then, once the receipts have long been trashed, and our bellies have expanded well beyond the capabilities of regular sizes, the truth rears its beastly head: these pants simply don’t stay put. They fall down. CONSTANTLY.

If I walk, they descend slowly until my dangling stomach starts overpowering the waistline of both my pants and undies, and forcing itself into plain view of whomever is unfortunate enough to be around. And should I dare to bend over or squat, they’re down around my hips by the time I stand up. So the tragic result is a major pants-adjustment every other second (literally), and it’s really starting to piss me off. I can’t help but wonder if this scenario is merely a byproduct of elasticized apparel, or if the universe is singling me out for some reason?